


Wild and Crazy

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-11-14
Updated: 2005-11-14
Packaged: 2019-01-19 11:43:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12409686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: "So what's it like?" "What's what like?" "Being sixteen. Being James Potter's friend."





	1. Fourth Year

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

**_Disclaimer: everything from HP books belongs to JK Rowling_ **

** Wild and Crazy **

“I’m sorry.”�

“You’re always sorry without truly meaning it.”�

“I mean it this time. I swear to you I do.”�

“Don’t do that!”�

“Do what?”�

“Look at me with your tortured eyes just so I’ll forgive you. I don’t want to forgive you.”�

“Of course you do.”�

“No I don’t. I want to be mad. I am mad.”�

“Don’t be.”�

“Why not? Because it’s childish. Well guess what, Remus! I am a child.”�

“I never said you weren’t.”�

“You imply it.”�

“I embrace it.”�

“You want me to be a child and you know it.”�

“Of course I do.”�

“Remus?”�

“Yes?”�

“I’m not mad at you anymore. I decided that right now.”�

“You’re crazy.”�

“Of course I am. I’m crazy and wild and beautiful and that’s why you love me.”�

“You forgot annoying. You’re crazy, wild, beautiful, _and_ annoying.”�

“Prat! That’s something James would say. You’re turning into him.”�

“Is that such a bad thing, Lily?”�

“Yes! James, he’s evil and arrogant and…”�

“He’s my friend.”�

“So! That’s doesn’t mean he’s a good person.”�

“You don’t even know him that well.”�

“Yes I do. He’s perfect James and I’m perfect Lily and everyone wants us to be together.”�

“He loves you.”�

“I don’t care. I don’t care! You know how many times a day I hear that? ‘James loves you.’ ‘You and James are _perrrfect_ for each other.’ I don’t want James, can’t the world understand that?”�

“No one understands it.”�

“Even you?”�

“Even me.”�

“Remusss! You must understand why I don’t want James.”�

“I don’t. I don’t understand why you’re here with me now. I don’t understand why you avoid something you’re truly destined for.”�

“James Bloody Potter is _not_ my destiny.”�

“And I am?”�

“Of course. I love you, Silly.”�

“Still don’t understand why.”�

“It’s not for you to understand.”�

“You think you’ll miss this place?”�

“What?”�

“After we graduate? Do you think you’ll miss this?”�

“Hogwarts or us?”�

“Both.”�

“I don’t want to think about. I’m only fourteen I don’t have to think about it.”�

“I’ll miss it.”�

“Remus, you were always so…”�

“Enchanting? Funny? Handsome?”�

“Depressing. You’re tragic, Remus. Do you know that?”�

“I do now.”�

“That’s why I love you. I’m a sucker for tragedy.”�

“You love me because I’m sad?”�

“Yes, because I got to rebuild you. I got to make life good for you. Got to watch you grow down.”�

“Grow down?”�

“Oh yes. You were sixty years old when you should have been eleven. You’re better now though, closer to forty.”�

“You’re insane.”�

“One of my best qualities.”�

“James likes that about you. He says you’re a beautiful, spontaneous flower.”�

“Yeah well James can kiss my…”�

“Lily! Language!”�

“Oh shut up Remus. You’re not my father. I can say whatever I want.”�

“Do you believe, Lily?”�

“Believe in what?”�

“Anything.”�

“Of course I do. I believe in goodness and in magic and in… in you.”�

“I don’t.”�

“I know.”�

“I want to.”�

“I know. Remus?”�

“Yeah?”�

“Do you ever wish to escape?”�

“Escape what?”�

“Reality.”�

“Everyday.”�

“Do you think that when you do I can go with you?”�

“Lily, I won’t really…”�

“You’re so old, Remus. So old, so boring.”�

“If I’m boring then why are you here with me?”�

“Because you’re interesting and funny and you pour me pumpkin juice.”�

“Nice to know why you like having me around.”�

“Do you miss it?”�

“Miss what?”�

“Being a kid? You’re so old, you know?”�

“No, I don’t miss it.”�

“How? If I grew up before my time I would miss it.”�

“I don’t remember ever being I kid. I’ve always been…”�

“Old?”�

“Yes, old.”�

“I’ll be old one day, too. You won’t like me then.”�

“Why won’t I?”�

“Because I won’t be crazy anymore. I won’t be wild or free and I won’t be able to sit with you under a tree for hours at a time.”�

“You’ll always be wild and crazy. You wouldn’t be Lily if you aren’t.”�

“James wants to tame me.”�

“James likes you _because_ you’re wild. He wouldn’t tame you.”�

“James says I’m perfect. I don’t think I’m perfect.”�

“James is a kid. What does he know?”�

“So! I’m a kid, too, Remus. Only you aren’t because you’re tragic!”�

“So I’ve heard. James is right, you know?”�

“Bout what?”�

“That you’re perfect. You are.”�

“No, I’m not. I’m not!”�

“You are to me.”�

“I don’t want to be perfect. I want to be human and odd.”�

“What’s bad about being perfect?”�

“I would have to match my socks.”�

“Oh, right. You’re still perfect, despite you’re mismatched socks.”�

“Only to you. Just like you’re only perfect to me.”�

“Am I crazy and beautiful, too?”�

“Wild. You forgot wild!”�

“Oh, right. Am I crazy and beautiful and wild?”�

“No! But you’re better. You’re Remus and I wouldn’t have you any other way.”�

“Even though I’m tragic?”�

“ _Because_ you’re tragic.”�

“I think I’ll miss Hogwarts.”�

“It’s three years away. We’re fourth years, Remus. Tell me that again in two years. Then I’ll listen.”�

“You’ll never listen. You’ll never have a conversation that will lead to a goodbye.”�

“We’ll never say goodbye.”�

“Everybody says goodbye sometime.”�

“Not us! Not people who love each other like we do.”�

“Even us! Even if we love each other!”�

“You’re so depressing, Remus.”�

“Sorry”�

“Don’t be. Besides, if you really love me, you won’t let me say goodbye.”�

“What if by then you love James?”�

“I’ll never love James!”�

“Yes you will. You and James will get married with the perfect wedding, have the perfect life, and a perfect child.”�

“Sounds booooring.”�

“Sounds perfect.”�

“It isn’t! The only way my life will be perfect is if I spend it with you.”�

“Promise?”�

“Promise.”�

“It’s starting to get dark.”�

“Afraid?”�

“No, just observing.”�

“It would be better if you were afraid.”�

“You want to go in, yet? It’ll be cold soon.”�

“No!”�

“Me either.”�

_A/N: So this is a little thing I came up with. It’s just an all dialogue fic that will consist of six chapters and it’s about the rise and decline of Lily and Remus’s relationship and their quasi friendship/love thing going on. Hope you like it._

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	2. Fifth Year

** Fifth Year **

“You’ve changed.”�

“What do you mean _I’ve_ changed?”�

“You’re different. You aren’t Lily, not anymore.”�

“Bloody hell, Remus! What are you on about now?”�

“You aren’t… you. You aren’t wild and aren’t crazy and look, you’re socks match.”�

“I’m still me. I’m still wild and odd and I still like you to pour my pumpkin juice at every meal.”�

“You’re growing up, Lily. Fifteen and beautiful.”�

“Shut up! Shut up right now. I am not growing up. I’m not getting old. You get old. I don’t.”�

“I’m already old.”�

“So old, so sad.”�

“Tragic, too, right?”�

_Giggling_

“Yes, Remus. You are so very tragic.”�

“And there’s nothing like a good tragedy?”�

“Nothing in this world.”�

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in days.”�

“Only two.”�

“We used to not go two hours without seeing each other.”�

“It’s Amos’s fault. Yell at him for monopolizing my time.”�

“Diggory’s a prat. I don’t see why you waste your time.”�

“It doesn’t matter what you see or not. It matters what I see.”�

“And what do you see besides a head full of hot air?”�

“Amos is very smart, you know. On track to be head Boy.”�

“If he can beat James.”�

“James will never be head boy.”�

“Why not?”�

“Puhlease, Remus! You know perfectly well why not. James is James. James isn’t Head Boy material. He’s too… wild.”�

“Like you?”�

“In a very different sense.”�

“How?”�

“James he’s wild like…like ‘I want to conquer the world nothing can hold me back’ wild. Me, I’m a free spirit just dancing to the beat of the drum, flying in the wind.”�

“You’re both crazy.”�

“Yes, but he’s insane crazy. Barking mad, that one. I’m cute crazy.”�

“You’re meant for each other.”�

“Don’t say that. I hate it when you say that!”�

“Why? It’s true.”�

“It makes me feel… it makes me feel as if you want me to be with James. As if you’re trying to be rid of me. Well, I have news for you, Remus. James isn’t who I want.”�

“Not yet.”�

“Not ever.”� “Why Remus? Why do you always go out of you’re way to make me feel so… inconsequential.”�

“Because! Because everyday I have this bomb ticking over my head just waiting to blow up in my face. Because James is your destiny, no matter what you think, and because I’m just waiting for the moment for you to leave me for my best friend.”�

“I don’t want James. I want you. And Amos, but that’s only a fling.”�

“A fling?”�

“Yeah, he’s a player, you know. I don’t like playing the game.”�

“Why are you with him anyway?”�

“He makes me laugh.”�

“I make you laugh.”�

“But, he doesn’t make me want to cry. Everybody needs a break, you know.”�

“A break from what?”�

“From tragedy. Everybody needs a few days immersed in romance and fluff and thn… then I can go back to my tragic lover and dramatic life with a smile feeling content.”�

“I never get a break from tragedy. I eat and sleep and breathe tragedy.”�

“I know.”�

“I miss you. Every day, I miss you.”�

“I miss you, too.”�

“Remember third year?”�

“If you bring up that time I kissed James…”�

“No, although it was funny, I think it was the best year of my life.”�

“You don’t like this year?”�

“No.”�

“Why not?”�

“Because I spend all my time missing you because you aren’t around or missing you because you are around.”�

“That doesn’t make sense, Remus.”�

“It used to make sense.”�

“Why doesn’t it anymore?”�

“Because I’ve stopped growing down and you’ve started growing up.”�

“I’ll never grow up, Remus. I’ll be like Peter Pan and fly away from reality.”�

“Peter who?”�

“Doesn’t matter. All that matters is that, that will be the escape we’ve been looking for since last year.”�

“We can’t really escape reality, you know.”�

“If you believe in it enough, you can do anything.”�

“I don’t know how to believe.”�

“I know.”�

“You once promised to teach me.”�

“I know. I’m sorry.”�

“Why?”�

“Because I couldn’t give you faith. Because I’ve become such a bad friend.”�

“You haven’t. We’ve just…”�

“Drifted apart?”�

“Yeah”�

“I don’t want to be apart from you, Remus.”�

“Why?”�

“I’ll miss you too much.”�

“I miss you right now.”�

“I’m here right in front of you this very moment.”�

“But I still miss you.”�

“Is this about Amos?”�

“No, not really.”�

“I’m sorry if it is.”�

“When will you dump him?”�

“As soon as I catch him snogging Catherine behind my back.”�

“He’s two timing you?”�

“Yeah, tragic, isn’t it?”�

“I would say so.”�

“When did this happen, Remus?”�

“What?”�

“When did our time together become so morbid, so… depressing?”�

“You changed.”�

“You still love me, though, right?”�

“You know I do.”�

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	3. Sixth Year

** Sixth Year **

 

“You didn’t write me over the summer.”�

“I know.”�

“You didn’t answer one of my letters.”�

“I know.”�

“You’re not sorry?”�

“No”�

“Remus, what happened to you?”�

“Life, Lily. Life happened.”�

“You’ve changed.”�

“So have you.”�

“Well come back. I need _my_ Remus.”�

“It doesn’t really work that way.”�

“Make it work that way.”�

“You’re so naÃ¯ve, Lily. So naive, so young.”�

“I’m not naÃ¯ve! I just see that world differently than you do.”�

“We used to see it from the same angle.”�

“You stopped writing.”�

“We stopped connecting way before that.”�

“What do you mean? _This_ year is when you stopped meeting me by the lake, when you didn’t write. _This_ year is when you decided you’ve had enough of me in your life.”�

“ _Last_ year was when you decided you didn’t love tragedy.”�

“I’ll always love tragedy. The tragic hero will always be the only one for me.”�

“I don’t believe you.”�

“Then open your eyes.”�

“They are. Opened wide. I see like I never have before and do you know what I see?”�

“No”�

“I see my destiny. I see everything I once cherished leaving me.”�

“I’ll never leave you, Remus.”�

“You’re already gone.”�

“No I’m not! I’m right here waiting for you to reach out to me.”�

“You’re out of my reach.”�

“What’s the matter with you? Why didn’t you write over the summer?”�

“Life”�

“Is that your answer for everything?”�

“I’ve become blatantly honest since we last spoke.”�

“You’ve always been honest with me.”�

“I’ve always sugar coated everything for you.”�

“So when you said you loved me…”�

“That was the truth.”�

“Is it still?”�

“I heard you and James hung out yesterday.”�

“Are you avoiding the question?”�

“Are you?”�

“James and I are friends. That’s it.”�

“Are you sure?”�

“Of course I’m sure! How do you know we hung out anyway?”�

“James is still my best friend, you know.”�

“Oh, right.”�

“Yeah.”�

“Am I still your friend?”�

“You know you are.”�

“I’m not sure I know anything anymore.”�

“That doesn’t sound like the Lily I know.”�

“Maybe you don’t know me anymore. And maybe I don’t know you either.”�

“Maybe we don’t.”�

“Don’t say that!”�

“You said it first.”�

“But when I said it, it wasn’t so…”�

“So?”�

“So tragic.”�

“You make everything into a tragedy.”�

“It just how I see things.”�

“It’s easier to see tragedy than it is to live it.”�

“And you live it?”�

“You know I do.”�

“I know.”�

“So, how was summer?”�

“Remus! It’s October, it’s a little late for the back to school talk don’t you think?”�

“I can’t believe so much time has past.”�

“It’s been forever hasn’t it?”�

“Since what?”�

“Since we last spoke.”�

“An eternity.”�

“Don’t do it, again.”�

“Do what?”�

“Avoid me, ignore me. You don’t meet me by the tree anymore.”�

“It isn’t the same. There’s no more… magic about that spot.”�

“Since when do you believe in magic?”�

“I don’t. I just…”�

“I know. Do you miss me at all?”�

“You know I do.”�

“So stop being a loner and talk to me.”�

“I can’t.”�

“Why not?”�

“The magic…it’s gone.”�

“What magic, Remus? You don’t believe in it.”�

“I know, but once I wanted to.”�

“You’re crazy, Remus.”�

“You used to be.”�

“I still am.”�

“Yeah, but now you want to conquer the world. Am I right?”�

“It’s freeing to believe there’s nothing to hold you back.”�

“Did James teach you that?”�

“James has showed me the world, taught more than this place ever could.”�

“What has he taught you about?”�

“Life”�

“Life isn’t so great.”�

“The way he lives it, it is. The way James lives is so… amazing.”�

“You used to hate it.”�

“No, I just never understood it.”�

“You do now?”�

“Yes, I do.”�

“And you love him?”�

“No he’s just…”�

“A friend?”�

“Yes, a friend.”�

“You used to hate him.”�

“I used to be a lot of things.”�

“You changed. You grew up.”�

“I tried not to.”�

“I know.”�

“I wanted to be fourteen and in love with you forever.”�

“So what changed?”�

“I’m not fourteen anymore.”�

“Do you still love me?”�

“Do you?”�

“Always”�

“Me, too.”�

“I’m sorry.”�

“For what?”�

“For not meeting you by the tree. For making you pour your own juice.”�

“No you’re not.”�

“I want to be, though.”�

“I know.”�

“So what’s it like?”�

“What’s what like?”�

“Being sixteen. Being James Potter’s friend.”�

“Oh… it’s okay.”�

“Are you just trying to make me feel better?”�

“Is it working?”�

“No, it isn’t.”�

“I don’t like you like this, Remus. I liked you better when you smiled.”�

“You were always too happy for tragedy.”�

“I wish I wasn’t, though.”�

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	4. Seventh Year: Beginning

** Seventh Year: Beginning **

 

“I’m angry with you.”�

“I know.”�

“Then why aren’t you trying to do something about it? Why are you just sitting there staring dumbly into the fire?”�

“What do you want me to do?”�

“Hold me. Tell me that everything is going to be ok. Tell me that you love me and need me.”�

“You’ve always been blind Lily. Since you were eleven you never did see.”�

“I see fine, Remus. I see everything.”�

“Then look into my eyes, Lily. Tell me what you see.”�

“I see an old man, a tragic boy. I see someone who once loved me long ago.”�

“Once loved you?”�

“I don’t think you do anymore. I think your love for me has faded away and you know what Remus?”�

“What?”�

“It’s killing me. The thought that I might have lost you is killing me.”�

“Lily…”�

“Don’t you Lily me. Don’t you try to sugar coat what you feel. You told me this summer. You wrote me a long letter saying you loved me and wanted to be with me. What happened, Remus? What changed your mind?”�

“Lily…”�

“Don’t you lie to me Remus. I can see it in your eyes. You’re about to lie to me. We were happy and then I come back from a week with my family and all of a sudden you don’t love me anymore! I don’t understand.”�

“Maybe you aren’t supposed to. Maybe it’s only for me to understand.”�

“I want to understand. Let me understand.”�

“It’s too complicated.”�

“Complicated!”�

“Yes, complicated. Too much for you to understand. You don’t know anything about it.”�

“About what? What don’t I know about?”�

“About pain, Lily! You don’t know a thing about suffering.”�

“Pain! Suffering! Do you know what’s its been like for me this past month? Not a day goes by when I don’t cry. Not a day goes by when I don’t feel like I’m dying because you aren’t here.”�

“Try seventeen years of pain, Lily. Try a life time of pain. And once you felt that, then we can talk.”�

“Remus. Please.”�

“Please what?”�

“Talk to me. Love me.”�

“You never did learn how to give up, did you?”�

“It’s not in my nature to let people I love leave me.”�

“Your sister left.”�

“She’s an exception.”�

“And why is that?”�

“Because nothing I could have done would have made her want to stay. She had enough and needed freedom.”�

“Maybe I’ve had enough.”�

“Don’t say that.”�

“Maybe I need to be free.”�

“Remus, stop it. Stop it right now!”�

“Maybe I wish I could pack up my bags and walk out the front door.”�

“Why? What did I do?”�

“Not everything is about _you_ , Lily. Not everything that happens to me was caused by _you_.”�

“Than what? What made you hate me so much?”�

“Life”�

“You always say that.”�

“There’s nothing more to say.”�

“Yes there is. You can say that you love me. That you’re sorry you hurt me. You could come over here right now and wipe away my tears as you tell me how much you hate watching me cry.”�

“You always were a romantic, Lily.”�

“I just know what I want.”�

“And what is that?”�

“You”�

“Not James?”�

“No! It’s you. It’s always been you.”�

“You and James have been pretty close lately.”�

“You’ve noticed?”�

“There’s not much about you I don’t notice.”�

“You watch me?”�

“I observe.”�

“And what do you see?”�

“Perfection”�

“I’m not perfect, Remus.”�

“You’re so perfect that you don’t even realize it.”�

“Look. My socks don’t match.”�

“Scarlet and gold. Coincidence?”�

“I have to show house pride. It was a quidditch game today after all.”�

“And you support our house?”�

“Of course!”�

“Not James?”�

“If I support Gryffindor I support James by default.”�

“I bet you were hoarse for hours from cheering for him.”�

“If I’m hoarse at all it’s because of all the time I spend crying for _you_.”�

“Don’t do that.”�

“Do what?”�

“Look at me with teary eyes. Look at me wearing your heart on your sleeves.”�

“I want to look at you like this. I’ve _always_ looked at you like this.”�

“Things change Lily.”�

“I don’t want them to.”�

“Sometimes, you don’t have a choice. Life will always changes and you have to change with it.”�

“I don’t want to. I want to go out to the lake tomorrow and see you sitting by our tree waiting for me to come. I want to talk about believing and escaping and I want… I want tragedy to come back into my life.”�

“It doesn’t work that way.”�

“ _Make_ it work that way.”�

“You’re so young, Lily. So young, so naÃ¯ve.”�

“And you’re old. So old, so boring.”�

“Not tragic?”�

“You don’t deserve to be tragic anymore. Not after the way you’ve treated me.”�

“I do miss you, you know.”�

“No you don’t.”�

“Of course I do.”�

“If you did you would have come over to me when I cried out for you. If you did you wouldn’t have disappeared. You wouldn’t have… given up.”�

“Given up on what?”�

“On me. On…life.”�

“I never had a life to give up on.”�

“Yes you did. The life we were supposed to share. You gave up on that and on me!”�

“I just stopped believing in its reality. I just stopped imagining our life together.”�

“Reality isn’t so great, you know? I’ve lived in reality for a month now and I wish I could go back to how I was before.”�

“Back?”�

“Back when I was wild and crazy and you loved me.”�

“Reality is all I have.”�

“No, you have me you just choose to be miserable.”�

“No one chooses to be miserable.”�

“You do. Because I can make you happy. I can give you everything in this world but you turn away from it. It’s tragic really.”�

“So I’m tragic again.”�

“Do you love me again?”�

“This is silly, Lily. You’re silly.”�

“You used to love that about me.”�

“Things change. People change.”�

“Have you really changed that much.”�

“There’s no point in denying it.”�

“Can you tell me one thing?”�

“What?”�

“If you could go back, would you?”�

“Yes.”�

“I would, too.”�

“There’s no point, you know?”�

“In what?”�

“In wanting to go back. In wishing for the past. There’s no point. This is reality now Lily: live it, embrace it.”�

“I can’t.”�

“Why not?”�

“Because I don’t want to say goodbye. I don’t want this to be it.”�

“Everybody says goodbye sometimes, Lily.”�

“Not us. Not people who love each other.”�

“Even us. Even if we love each other.”�

“Remus, please. Don’t give up. Not on life. Not on me.”�

“It’s too late.”�

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	5. Seventh Year: End

** Seventh Year: End **

** **

“Hey Kid.”�

“Remus?”�

“Yeah, it’s me.”�

“Wow! It’s been a while.”�

“Yeah, I know.”�

“How’ve you been? I hear you’re going to be Valedictorian.”�

“Well, that’s still debatable. But I’ve been… good? Yeah, good.”�

“That must be a first.”�

“What do you mean?”�

“It’s just that, there’s always something bad going on in your life, something tragic.”�

“And with you? Is it the fairytale everyone has always said it would be?”�

“It’s as close as you can get in real life.”�

“You love him.”�

“I do.”�

“And him?”�

“I think he’s always loved me. Since first year his want for me has been constant. I’ve just…”�

“Been blind?”�

“In a way.”�

“Well, it is some rock.”�

“You know James, always has to outshine everyone in everything. And it’s not even an engagement ring. I’m scared to know how gaudy that’ll be.”�

“I’m glad you’re happy.”�

“Thank you. It means a lot coming from you and everything.”�

“So I guess life worked out for you.”�

“For a while I was scared that it wouldn’t. For a while I didn’t believe and for a while I thought I would be sad forever.”�

“I’m sorry.”�

“Don’t say that.”�

“I am, though. I’m sorry.”�

“Remus! Don’t, not anymore.”�

“I can’t not. I messed up. I let you go. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. That doesn’t mean you don’t love me.”�

“You broke my heart, Remus.”�

“I know.”�

“James, he fixed it for me.”�

“I could fix it. I could make you whole.”�

“It doesn’t work that way. James, he… I… don’t tell me you’re sorry.”�

“Why?”�

“Because it’s too late for apologies. Because when you stare at me tragically all rational thoughts leave my mind.”�

“Tell me you love me.”�

“I can’t. I won’t.”�

“Why?”�

“Because things change, Remus. People change.”�

“And you changed?”�

“I grew up. I grew old.”�

“You’re still young. You’re still blind.”�

“I think I’m seeing clearly for the first time in years.”�

“And what do you see?”�

“James. I see James.”�

“Not me?”�

“I used to see you. When I was fourteen and fifteen and sixteen I saw you.”�

“And now?”�

“Our time together is a memory Remus. I found my escape.”�

“From reality?”�

“Yes, my escape from reality. I found it and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”�

“I didn’t know it was possible.”�

“What?”�

“To escape reality.”�

“If you find the right person anything is possible.”�

“I found her. I still couldn’t escape.”�

“Well, you’re different. You’re old and tragic.”�

“And there’s no escaping tragedy?”�

“You know that better than anybody.”�

“I always knew you would end up with him.”�

“I know.”�

“You never listened to me.”�

“I know.”�

“When you were young you were so adamant about being with me.”�

“I remember. I fell in love with you when I was thirteen.”�

“And?”�

“And I’m sorry.”�

“For what?”�

“For growing up.”�

“We all grow up sometime, right?”�

“I wasn’t supposed to, though. I was supposed to be fourteen forever.”�

“To me you’ll always be fourteen.”�

“I’ll live forever in your heart?”�

“Until I die.”�

“I hate you, you know.”�

“I thought you loved me.”�

“No, I hate you. I hate you for making me cry. I hate you for walking away. I hate you for leaving my goblet empty at every meal.”�

“But you love me?”�

“I love James. You, I hardly ever think about you.”�

“Harsh, Lily. You never could lie to me, you know.”�

“When have I ever lied to you?”�

“Just now. Just now when you said you never think about me. You always think about me and I always think about you.”�

“This is your fault you know.”�

“I know.”�

“You gave up, not me.”�

“I know.”�

“And I moved on.”�

“I know.”�

“So why don’t you?”�

“Because I feel like believing.”�

“You don’t believe in anything.”�

“But I want to. I want to believe in love. I want to believe you’ll come back to me.”�

“I won’t. You were right when you said James was my destiny. You were right to be afraid of me loving him.”�

“I know.”�

“And yet you still loved me?”�

“It gave me hope.”�

“Hope for what?”�

“Life”�

“That’s what you always say.”�

“I know.”�

“You know, when I said I hated you…”�

“I know.”�

“But I do in a way. I hate who you were this year. I hate who you’ve become.”�

“I’m changing.”�

“Tragedy doesn’t change.”�

“But I _can_.”�

“I don’t believe you.”�

“So then that’s it, you just give up?”�

“You gave up Remus! Not me, _you_!”�

“But now I want another chance.”�

“It’s too late. I found someone else, someone…”�

“Better?”�

“Different.”�

“I always thought James was better.”�

“He’s different. He’s so… wild.”�

“You’re wild.”�

“We have that in common.”�

“We never had anything in common.”�

“I know, but I loved you anyway.”�

“I meant it when I said I was sorry. I am.”�

“I know.”�

“Class will start soon.”�

“I know”�

“Want to go out to the lake? For old time sake?”�

“Ok.”�

“I’ve missed you, Lily.”�

“I missed you too, Remus.”�

“After we graduate, would it be ok if we don’t say goodbye?”�

“We’ll never say goodbye Remus. I’ve been telling you that for years.”�

“Because we love each other, right?”�

“Right”�

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	6. Epilogue: 1993

** Epilogue: 1993 **

** **

It’s been two months: two months of school, two months of heart breaking memories. Survival, he isn’t completely sure how he’s alive, breathing, at this very moment. It’s hard to live knowing that he’s alone, to live and yet never be satisfied. And he isn’t sure why he’s here at the one place that reminds him of her, the one spot. He isn't sure why he came back to Hogwarts when all that's here for him is heart wrenching memories he wishes he could forget.

It hasn’t changed. The tree still spouts pink and yellow flowers; the grass still feels soft against his bare feet. He can still feel the cool breeze at dusk and when he closes his eyes he can see her smile wide, see her eyes glisten. She’s still there sitting with her feet barefoot. Still there always laughing and joking as if nothing ever happened, as if a lifetime doesn’t now separate them. As if life itself doesn’t. Nothing truly has changed about his life, not when he sits here. Not when he allows himself to believe and to hope. Nothing has really changed but for the fact that they aren’t together, that she loves his best friend and the small detail that she died. He shakes his head, escaping reality makes everything what he dreams it could be. It’s the only way to live.

“Lily.”� He whispers to himself picking up a yellow flower that slowly fell to the ground.

“Lily”�

“Lily Ann”�

“Lilly Ann Evans.”� He says smiling, a smile that quickly fades. A smile that has never lasted long since his seventh and final year at Hogwarts.”�

“Lily Ann Potter.”�

“Hey you.”�

_It doesn’t matter how crazy he seems. It doesn’t matter that he’s talking to air because when he closes his eyes and leans back against the tree’s trunk, he can feel her presence, hear her childish laughter._

“It’s been a while. So long, too long.”�

“Don’t let it happen again, you hear me. It’s been too… long.”�

“ _REMUS!”�_

“ _What do you want, Lily?”�_

“ _You’re late! You were supposed to meet me an hour ago.”�_

“ _I’m sorry. I got…”�_

“ _Held up?”�_

“ _Yes, held up.”�_

“ _You know there’s going to be a day when I won’t make your excuses for you.”�_

“ _Blame Sirius for my tardiness._ _Sirius and James, it’s their fault.”�_

“ _Of course it’s their fault. Nothing can ever be Remus’s fault.”�_

“ _Look, I said I was sorry!”�_

“ _Don’t yell at me. I get enough shrieking at home!”�_

“ _I’m sorry.”�_

“ _Don’t be sorry, just be there.”�_

“ _I’ll always be there and you know it.”�_

“ _It’ll be like this forever?”�_

“ _Will you be eleven forever?”�_

“ _If I can help it._ _And you will too because I won’t let you grow up without me.”�_

“ _I don’t think it’s possible for you to not grow up.”�_

“ _Anything is possible, Remus. If you believe hard enough, anything is possible.”�_

“ _Will you teach me?”�_

“ _To believe?”�_

“ _Yes, will you teach me to believe?”�_

“ _I’ll try. No! I will! Yes, Remus I’ll teach you to believe.”�_

“ _Thank you.”�_

“ _No problem, Dahling. I’d do anything for you.”�_

“ _And why is that?”�_

“ _Because, you’re my best friend and that’s what best friends do for each other.”�_

“ _Help them believe?”�_

“ _Yes, they help them believe. And they pour each other pumpkin juice.”�_

“ _I pour you pumpkin juice. You never pour me anything.”�_

“ _You don’t drink pumpkin juice. I would pour it if you did.”�_

“ _I’m just saying.”�_

“ _Well don’t! If it’s my job to help you believe the least you can do is pour my juice.”�_

“ _I already pour your juice.”�_

“ _Good, then it’s settled.”�_

“ _You’re crazy, you know that, Lily?”�_

“ _Of course I am. Would you have me any other way?”�_

“ _No, I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”�_

“ _It’s good to know.”�_

“How’s life been treating you?”�

“I bet it’s perfect. You were made for perfection.”�

“I still can’t believe you married James Potter. Even though I knew it was coming its still unbelievable.”�

“Harry, he’s a wonderful kid. Drinks a lot of juice.”�

“I pour your pumpkin juice at every meal.”�

“It’s still you’re favorite, right?”�

“Of course it is. You’ve loved it since you were eleven. I’m being silly.”�

“Lily Ann Potter. It’s still so hard for me to believe.”�

“I miss you.”�

“I do.”�

“I love you. Do you love me, too?”�

“Once, a long time ago, before you grew up and before I stopped growing down, you did. You fell in love with me when you were thirteen. Thirteen and beautiful.”�

“ _I don’t want to leave. I want to stay in school forever.”�_

“ _Lily it’s only summer holiday.”�_

“ _I don’t care. I don’t care! I want to stay here. I want to stay with you.”�_

“ _We’ll visit each other. And write all the time.”�_

“ _It’s not the same. I need you here every second of every day.”�_

“ _You’ll do fine without me. And then in September you’ll be happy to see me.”�_

“ _I’ll always be happy to see you because… because…”�_

“ _Because?”�_

“ _Because, I love you._ _I love you, Remus.”�_

“ _You’re thirteen, Lily. How do you know you love me?”�_

“ _Because I can feel it, in my heart and in my soul._ _I feel it in my stomach, in the way I feel like dying because I have to leave you.”�_

“ _You’re so dramatic.”�_

“ _Of course, and you’re old. Old and tragic.”�_

“ _You’re wild. A wild and crazy flower.”�_

“ _But I’m your wild and crazy flower.”�_

“ _Of course.”�_

“ _And you love me?”�_

“ _I… I…”�_

“ _Not sure?”�_

“ _I’m not sure what love is.”�_

“ _Love is simple really. If you can’t live without me than you probably love me. And if I’m all you think about.”�_

“ _Then, I love you. I do, I love you.”�_

“ _Good, because I would just die if you didn’t.”�_

“ _Dramatic”�_

“ _Wouldn’t be Lily if I wasn’t.”�_

“ _No, you wouldn’t.”�_

“ _Are you going to miss me, Remus?”�_

“ _You know I will.”�_

“ _If you don’t write me everyday I’ll get mad at you.”�_

“ _I know”�_

“ _Can I… Can I kiss you instead of saying goodbye?”�_

“ _Why?”�_

“ _Because I don’t want to say the G word._ _Can I kiss you instead?”�_

“ _Okay”�_

“ _So… see you in September?”�_

“ _Yeah, September.”�_

“Did I ever tell you I was sorry?”�

“I did. I remember.”�

“Did you… Did you ever forgive me?”�

“I think that if you didn’t marry James we could have been happy.”�

“It’s silly, you know?”�

“Being apart from each other, I mean.”�

“You’re Lily and I’m Remus and we love each other.”�

Looking back on his life hardly ever makes him happy. Being alive is never truly satisfying. But he feels content when he sits there. He feels at peace as he imagines she’s with him and as he believe in a love that has long since died away.

“Dinner is starting soon and I have to go in.”�

“Its pork chops tonight.”�

“I know! You hate pork chops, but I always loved them.”�

“And you. I love you.”�

“I miss you.”�

“Don’t stay away for too long, you hear?”�

“I can’t stand it when you aren’t around.”�

“See you around, kid.”�

And he walks inside, despair suddenly filling him, loneliness. Her laughter is suddenly far away and his memories leave him and all that’s left is emptiness, a void that only she can fill. He knows that she won’t though. He knows that she’s dead, that she’s never coming back. But it doesn’t stop him from hoping, from believing that anything is possible.

“ _I’ll always love you, Remus. Always.”�_

End

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